If at first you don't succeed-try, try again. Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as timed-release success.
Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.
A compliment is verbal sunshine.
Did you ever see that painting the Mona Lisa. It always reminds me of a reporter listening to a politician.
Live your life so that if someone says 'Be yourself' it's good advice.
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.
For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.
A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.
I feel that if God had really wanted us to have enough oil, he would never have given us a Department of Energy.
Sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey develop muscles. That's why Americans have the strongest eyes in the world.
There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
We have enough people who tell it like it is - now we could use a few who tell it like it can be.
Very few people ever meet celebrities. All we really know is what we read about them and the most memorable lines are jokes. That's how we tend to define what we think of a public figure.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world
Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!
Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.
A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.
Wait'll next year! is the favorite cry of baseball fans, football fans, hockey fans, and gardeners.
Here's to all volunteers, those dedicated people who believe in all work and no pay.
With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!
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