There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.
A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.
I'm beginning to wonder about my broker. Yesterday I told him to buy a hundred shares of A.T.&T. He said, 'Would you spell that?'
We're supposed to take our problems to a family adviser. Personally, I've never met a family adviser. They're all off somewhere listening to dirty stories.
Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.
There are only two kinds of people in this world. The realists and the dreamers. The realists know where they are going and the dreamers have already been there.
Do you realize that in the past sixty years, the only foreigners the French have been able to drive out are American tourists?
It always seems to someone outside the business that it is very difficult to write for a comedy show because it must be done quickly. Actually, it is much easier to write this humor than to do a joke or a show from scratch, because the audience knows the plot. Just mention what is going on and then deliver the punch line.
To exercise is human; not to is divine.
In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.
Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, "Guess Who?" She's a divorce lawyer.
Thanks to modern medicine we are no longer forced to endure prolonged pain, disease, discomfort and wealth.
All that means is that something devastating can happen to you today or to your family & all you can do is cry about it or panic or just be grief-stricken about it; but a year or two from now or maybe ten years from now, or maybe two months or two days, you might be able to see the humor in that problem.
I'd like to say a few words about one of the most popular concepts in the modern education--show and tell. Show and Tell is a device created by grammar schools to communicate family secrets to 32 other families before 9:15 am in the morning.
Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.
They're combining that new fertility drug with a birth control pill for people who don't want triplets.
Did you ever figure to be living in a time when your check is good, but the bank bounces?
It's mandatory in this day and age to be considered to have a sense of humor and to demonstrate it. You're not paying me for a joke, You're paying me for the right joke.
What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.
If somebody accuses you in a story of being a crook, you can demand that they prove it. But if a comic says it and you protest, people say, 'What's the matter, you can't take a joke?
I value people with a conscience. It's like a beeper from God.
If you can get someone to laugh with you, they will be more willing to identify with you, listen to you. It parts the waters.
It may be the way the cookie crumbles on Madison Avenue, but in Hong Kong its the way the egg rolls.
With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!
The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends
or simply: