My life needs editing.
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
There were four million people in the American Colonies and we had Jefferson and Franklin. Now we have over 200 million and the two top guys are Clinton and Dole. What can you draw from this? Darwin was wrong!
People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.
I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.
There's a danger our fiscal bankruptcy might overtake our moral bankruptcy.
If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women.
A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.
Most people past college age are not atheists. It's too hard to be in society, for one thing. Because you don't get any days off. And if you're an agnostic you don't know whether you get them off or not.
This matter of two sides to every question is bad logic and bad practice: sometimes there are no sides; sometimes there are a hundred.
Remember that no matter how selfish, how cruel, how unfeeling you have been today, every time you take a breath, you make a flower happy.
The fact is that you can't have a good relationship with a girl who hasn't settled things with her father.
That feeling of hopelessness only serves your masters.
I went to computer class with my Dell and I was bullied by a guy with a Mac.
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.
When Obama ran, he said, We can change the world! The world: can you change it back?!
You know what I want you to do? I want you to blow out the candle and curse the darkness.
Hillary's explanation of the Libyan action to Congress was so good, I wonder who explained it to her?
Now that Obama is at war in a 3rd country, does that mean he has to give back his Nobel Peace Prize?
I took benzedrine - I got clairvoyance. With benzedrine you can have a very wide view of the world, like you can decide the destiny of man and other pressing problems, such as which is the left sock?
If anybody comes up to you and says, My kid is a conservative - why is that? you say, Remember in the 60′s when we told you if you kept using drugs your kids would be mutants?
Will Rogers…used to come out with a newspaper and pretend he was a
yokel criticizing the intellectuals who ran the government. I come out with
a newspaper and pretend I’m an intellectual making fun of the yokels
running the government.
We all know that America is the worst country in the world, except for all the others.
A Yuppie is someone who believes it's courageous to eat in a restaurant that hasn't been reviewed yet.
One thing about being narrow-minded: you'll never be lonely.
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