My life needs editing.
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.
There were four million people in the American Colonies and we had Jefferson and Franklin. Now we have over 200 million and the two top guys are Clinton and Dole. What can you draw from this? Darwin was wrong!
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.
I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.
When Obama ran, he said, We can change the world! The world: can you change it back?!
Remember that no matter how selfish, how cruel, how unfeeling you have been today, every time you take a breath, you make a flower happy.
Hillary's explanation of the Libyan action to Congress was so good, I wonder who explained it to her?
The fact is that you can't have a good relationship with a girl who hasn't settled things with her father.
There's a danger our fiscal bankruptcy might overtake our moral bankruptcy.
If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women.
A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.
Now that Obama is at war in a 3rd country, does that mean he has to give back his Nobel Peace Prize?
We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were.
A Yuppie is someone who believes it's courageous to eat in a restaurant that hasn't been reviewed yet.
I watched Ken Burns' Civil War series on PBS. My favorite segment is when Bob Hope entertains the troops at Gettysburg.
I found people looked better when they laughed
If you maintain a consistent political position long enough, you'll eventually be accused of treason.
Will Rogers…used to come out with a newspaper and pretend he was a
yokel criticizing the intellectuals who ran the government. I come out with
a newspaper and pretend I’m an intellectual making fun of the yokels
running the government.
Those who the gods would make rich and famous on TV, they first drive mad.
I'm for capital punishment. You've got to execute people. How else are they going to learn?
One thing about being narrow-minded: you'll never be lonely.
I made the mistake early in my career, when I moved to Hollywood, of being attracted to actresses. I used to go out exclusively with actresses and other female impersonators.
Nixon's the kind of guy that if you were drowning fifty feet off shore, he'd throw you a thirty foot rope. Then Kissinger would go on TV the next night and say that the President had met you more than half-way.
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