Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
My life needs editing.
In the forties, to get a girl you had to be a GI or a jock. In the fifties, to get a girl you had to be Jewish. In the sixties, to get a girl you had to be black. In the seventies, to get a girl you've got to be a girl.
There were four million people in the American Colonies and we had Jefferson and Franklin. Now we have over 200 million and the two top guys are Clinton and Dole. What can you draw from this? Darwin was wrong!
I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.
People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.
There's a danger our fiscal bankruptcy might overtake our moral bankruptcy.
When Obama ran, he said, We can change the world! The world: can you change it back?!
A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.
If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women.
I'm for capital punishment. You've got to execute people. How else are they going to learn?
Remember that no matter how selfish, how cruel, how unfeeling you have been today, every time you take a breath, you make a flower happy.
I don't believe in good people and bad people. I believe in the better parts of people.
The fact is that you can't have a good relationship with a girl who hasn't settled things with her father.
One thing about being narrow-minded: you'll never be lonely.
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.
We all know that America is the worst country in the world, except for all the others.
Obama says his recreation consists of reading the Constitution... looking for a loophole.
You know what I want you to do? I want you to blow out the candle and curse the darkness.
That feeling of hopelessness only serves your masters.
The bravest thing that men do is love women.
A Yuppie is someone who believes it's courageous to eat in a restaurant that hasn't been reviewed yet.
Now that Obama is at war in a 3rd country, does that mean he has to give back his Nobel Peace Prize?
If anybody comes up to you and says, My kid is a conservative - why is that? you say, Remember in the 60′s when we told you if you kept using drugs your kids would be mutants?
This matter of two sides to every question is bad logic and bad practice: sometimes there are no sides; sometimes there are a hundred.
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