If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Laughter is an instant vacation.
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
A thing of beauty is a job forever.
Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"
I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands
Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.
It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
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