Laughter is an instant vacation.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.
Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!
They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"
Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.
Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
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