Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Half the people you know are below average.
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
The speed of time is one second per second.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends
or simply: