Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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