My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman - go see what they want!
A man goes to a barbershop and asks, How many ahead of me? Five. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Four. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Six. The man leaves, and the barber says to another, Follow that man! The man comes back and says, He goes to your house!
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, we saved your grandson. The little Jewish Grandma says, He had a hat!
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did
My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.
My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.
When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.
My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.
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