You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini!
A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"
The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!".
A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.
A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"
A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz. The man says, Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. I'm sorry, he's on vacation. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's on a big case, not available for a week. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's playing golf today. Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Speaking.
When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
I just made a killing in the stock market -- I shot my broker.
The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner.
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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