I don’t drink anymore - just the same amount.
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.
They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.
Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my scotch, I say, I'm thirsty, not dirty.
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to roll over and float on his back, then you got something!
I drink to forget I drink.
I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.
I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin.
There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty.
It pays to get drunk with the best people.
A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.
It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor - as long as you've got money.
I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise.
Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for U.S. Steel.
I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.
I met with an accident on the way to the track; I arrived safely.
I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them.
Boys, I have been rich and I have been poor, and believe me being rich is better.
Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people.
Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.
Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.
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