I don’t drink anymore - just the same amount.
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.
You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.
They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to roll over and float on his back, then you got something!
Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my scotch, I say, I'm thirsty, not dirty.
If you drink like a fish, don't drive: swim.
I drink to forget I drink.
It pays to get drunk with the best people.
There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty.
I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin.
I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.
Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for U.S. Steel.
I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise.
I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them.
Boys, I have been rich and I have been poor, and believe me being rich is better.
Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people.
We can afford almost any mistake once.
A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.
I never went to school beyond the 3rd grade, but my mother taught me the difference between right and wrong.
Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.
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