Bill Bailey Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Humor, Vegetarianism

  "Bill Bailey: Part Troll". Documentary, Comedy, Music, 2004.

• Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of things like the weather, obviously, late retirement, poor holiday, poor public services, poor health service; it's basically just a kind of grey, godless wilderness, full of cold pies and broken dreams.

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Dream, Country

  "Bill Bailey: Dandelion Mind". Documentary, Comedy, 2010.

• The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Humor, Alive

  "Bill Bailey: Part Troll". Documentary, Comedy, Music, www.imdb.com. 2004.

• The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was (bangs on microphone) "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!"

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Humor, Fire

  "Part Troll". Documentary, Comedy, Music, 2004.

• Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Book, Humor

  "Is It Bill Bailey?". Comedy, Music, 1998.

• I'm sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Humor, Meat

  "Bill Bailey: Part Troll". Documentary, Comedy, Music, 2004.

• Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Crush, Flower

• Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Humor, Three

  "Is It Bill Bailey? (Episode 1)". Stand up / sketch comedy series by Bill Bailey, February 20, 1998.

• You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey, the so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing. Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Confused, Philosophical

  "Part Troll". Documentary, Comedy, Music, 2004.

• That ideology was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs: The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the segregation and humiliation of women from the world of golf.

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Religious, Humor

  "Bill Bailey: Part Troll". Documentary, Comedy, Music, 2004.

• It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Humor, Animal

  "Bewilderness in New York". Comedy album by Bill Bailey, 2002.

• Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Humor, Sound

  "Tinselworm". World Tour, 2008.

• A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Humor, Feminist

• Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.'

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Humor, People

• It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Humor, Outlook On Life

  "Tinselworm". Documentary, Comedy, 2008.

• Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Humor, Doubt

  "Dandelion Mind". Stand-up Comedy Tour, 2010.

• This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Humor, Past

• I am a confectionery-based existentialist.

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Humor, Existentialist

• I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Humor, Magazines

  "Tinselworm". Documentary, Comedy, 2008.

• Thank God for Darwin, eh?

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Humor, Thank God

  "Dandelion Mind". Documentary, Comedy, 2010.

• American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Humor, Rocks

  "Bill Bailey: Part Troll". Documentary, Comedy, Music, www.imdb.com. 2004.

• Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Mother, Humor

  "QI". TV Series, www.imdb.com. 2004.

• The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Humor, Scotch

  "Never Mind the Buzzcocks". Comedy, Game-Show, Music, 1996 - 2015.

• Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Jobs, Humor

  "Is It Bill Bailey?". Comedy, Music, 1998.

• I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Morning, Sorry

  "Tinselworm". Documentary, Comedy, 2008.

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