My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'
I always wanted to be the last guy on Earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me.
One question on hospital admittance forms really gets me. "Sex: Male or Female?" Do I want to be in a hospital where they can't tell the difference?
Sometimes the unexpected does happen. Once, this exquisite woman fell for me. After we made love, she gave me a check for a hundred dollars. I said, "Honey, I don't get paid for sex." She said, "This is hush money."
I spend money with reckless abandon. Last month I blew $5000 at a reincarnation. I got to thinking, what the hell, you only live once!
A lot of people wonder how you can tell if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this question: 'Would I mind being financially destroyed by this person?'
I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking", and then I thought: What good would that do?
Relationships give us a reason to live. Revenge.
As a teenager I just wanted to fit in, just to be one of the boys. It was tough. I went to an all black school. I went so far as to have them print my negative in the yearbook. I think it was the black teeth that gave me away.
Where there's a will there's a dead person.
I was an ugly baby. On my birth certificate there was a listing for Probable Cause.
I like life. It's something to do.
I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.
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