Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.
Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.
If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now
Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.
Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.
What do gardeners do when they retire?
The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
I'll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven't done something even mildly creative.
When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money
A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.
Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.
It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.
I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.
I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!
Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?
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