Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.
Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.
Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.
Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.
I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.
I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money
I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
What do gardeners do when they retire?
Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?
The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.
I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!
I saw a specialist who asked me 'Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?'. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.
You can always spot the employee playing golf with his boss. He's the fellow who makes a hole in one and says, "oops!"
It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.
With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.
I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.
I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
I got my start in silent radio.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends