Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.
Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.
I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.
I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now
Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.
I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
What do gardeners do when they retire?
I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.
My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money
A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?
The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.
Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.
I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!
You can always spot the employee playing golf with his boss. He's the fellow who makes a hole in one and says, "oops!"
When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'
With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.
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