British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.
I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.
My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...
See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.
A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."
When someone close to you dies, move seats.
People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?
I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'
As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.
I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake.
Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other...
More people are going out to comedy shows than they were before.
Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.
The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.
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