British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.
See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."
A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."
When someone close to you dies, move seats.
People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?
I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.
My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...
I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'
More people are going out to comedy shows than they were before.
The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.
Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.
I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake.
As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.
Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other...
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