British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.
My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.
I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.
I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.
It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.
See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol
I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"
My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.
I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.
When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.
A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.
Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.
My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."
When someone close to you dies, move seats.
I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it
Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.
I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"
People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?
I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.
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