British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.
My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.
I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.
I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.
It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.
See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol
I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"
My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.
I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.
When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.
A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."
Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.
My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."
When someone close to you dies, move seats.
I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it
Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.
I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"
People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?
I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends