A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"
Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"
It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."
I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.
There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.
An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.
Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.
A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."
A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."
A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."
A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."
I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.
There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.
What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.
Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!
Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.
America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.
My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'
People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.
My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.
It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.
I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.
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