Mike Harding Quotes

• Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.

  Mike Harding

  Baby, Father, Humorous

  46 Copy quote

• In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you.

  Mike Harding

  Dog, Strong, Humorous

  9 Copy quote

• The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't take it too seriously.

  Mike Harding

  Humorous, Dying, Female

  6 Copy quote

• The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.

  Mike Harding

  Running, Mistake, Humorous

  4 Copy quote

• If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house.

  Mike Harding

  Humorous, Men, Land

  4 Copy quote

• Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police and tell them your house is being burgled.

  Mike Harding

  Humorous, Phones, Doors

  4 Copy quote

• British Israelites: The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth.

  Mike Harding

  Humorous, Believe, Fall

  4 Copy quote

• If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead.

  Mike Harding

  Fall, Airplane, Eye

  10 Copy quote

• America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its name to "America"

  Mike Harding

  Humorous, Tired, Discovery

  7 Copy quote

• Bare Foot Folk and is full of really interesting songs, Ange Hardy takes folk tales and creates new folk songs that sound traditional around the story. This is one she's called mother willow tree, it's beautiful

  Mike Harding

  Beautiful, Mother, Song

  4 Copy quote

• The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for castrating pigs during Sunday service.

  Mike Harding

  Humorous, Sunday, Pigs

  4 Copy quote

• The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog Eater.

  Mike Harding

  Humorous, Holiday, Mean

  4 Copy quote

• The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant B ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K oln in 1653.

  Mike Harding

  Laughter, Humorous, Squares

  4 Copy quote

• ... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of Camptown Races. Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.

  Mike Harding

  Humorous, Race, Play

  12 Copy quote

• Gold, n.: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold hasn't done anything to them.

  Mike Harding

  Humorous, Men, Giving

  4 Copy quote

• When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a nose bleed, which usually cures them of that.

  Mike Harding

  Humorous, Moon, Men

  4 Copy quote

You May Also Like:

Jasper Carrott

Richard Digance

Christy Moore

Robert Powell

Lenny Henry

Ken Dodd

Billy Connolly

Frank Skinner