Jim Norton Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Forgiveness, Humorous

  Jim Norton (2008). “I Hate Your Guts”, p.158, Simon and Schuster

• I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Humor, Problem

• They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Humor, Cartoon

• I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Baby, Humor

• I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Humor, Wish

• That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Humor, Looks

• What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Horse, Humor

• You have the sex appeal of Norman Fell.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Sex, Humor

• I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Humor, Rubber

• What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Humor, College

• For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Hate, Humor

• God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. "You little fat-titted mediocre failure!" You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year's Eve.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, New Year, Hate

• Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Humor, Clothes

• No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Humor, Periods

• I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Running, Humor

• I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Humor, Magic

• I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Humor, Cracks

• And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Running, Children

• I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Hate, Humor

• I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Humor, Rifles

• I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Humor, Picnics

  "How To Be A Comedian" by James Altucher, www.businessinsider.com. July 24, 2011.

• There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Humor, Tragedy

• You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Grateful, Humor

• That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Humor, Interesting

• Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Silly, Humor

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