Ellen DeGeneres Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Funny, Beautiful, Mom

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

• I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are. That's where us gay people come from - you heterosexuals.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Inspirational, Funny, Hilarious

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. Its been about two months since I've worked out. And I just don't have the time. Which uh..is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh..and watch TV. And get a bone density test. And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Funny, Humor, Two

• My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Funny, Life, Birthday

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

• Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Funny, Humor, Sleep

• Our attention span is shot. We've all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three letters because we don't have the time or patience to pronounce the entire disorder. That should be a disorder right there, TBD - Too Busy Disorder.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Funny, Humor, Add

  "Ellen DeGeneres: Here and Now". Comedy, Documentary, www.imdb.com. June 25, 2003.

• Sometimes when I am driving I get so angry at inconsiderate drivers that I want to scream at them. But then I remember how insignificant that is, and I thank God that I have a car and my health and gas. That was phrased wrong-normally you wouldn't say, thank God I have gas.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Funny, Humor, Car

• Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Funny, Bullying, Hurt

• I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Funny, Cute, Hilarious

  "My Point...And I Do Have One". Book by Ellen DeGeneres, 1995.

• Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Funny, Life, Hilarious

  Ellen DeGeneres (2011). “Seriously ... I'm Kidding”, p.9, HarperCollins Australia

• Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Funny, Wall, Party

• Normally, I try not to pay attention to my haters, but this time I'd like to talk about it, because my haters are my motivators.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Funny, Hater, Trying

  "JC Penney reveals customers' show of support for Ellen DeGeneres" by Adam Gabbatt, www.theguardian.com. February 9, 2012.

• The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Funny, Humor, Ideas

  Ellen Degeneres (2011). “My Point...And I Do Have One”, p.97, Bantam

• All we have is here and now. That's why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Funny, Procrastination, Humor

• People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Inspirational, Funny, Hilarious

• All the commercials on TV today are for antidepressants, for Prozac or Paxil. And they get you right away. "Are you sad? Do you get stressed, do you have anxiety?" "Yes, I have all those things! I'm alive!"

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Funny, Humor, Anxiety

  "Ellen DeGeneres: Here and Now". www.imdb.com. 2003.

• Just go up to somebody on the street and say 'You're it!' and then run away.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Funny, Hilarious, Running

• I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Funny, Memories, Hangover

• We're told to go on living our lives as usual, because to do otherwise is to let the terrorists win, and really, what would upset the Taliban more than a gay woman wearing a suit in front of a room full of Jews?

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Funny, Humor, Gay

  "People who see her on television think she's wonderful ... and then there are the people who have worked with her" by Dan Glaister, www.theguardian.com. February 22, 2007.

• Golden eagles have an interesting way of mating, where they connect in the air while flying at eighty miles an hour and then they start dropping and they don't stop dropping until the act is completed. So it's not uncommon that they both fall all the way to the ground, hit the ground and both of them die. That's how committed they are to this. I thought to myself, 'Boy, don't we feel like wimps for stopping to answer the phone.' I don't know about you, but if I'm one of these two birds, you're getting close to the ground... I would serioulsy consider fakin' it.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Funny, Fall, Boys

• Procrastinate now, don't put it off.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Funny, Life, Procrastination

  "Ellen DeGeneres: Here and Now". Comedy, Documentary, www.imdb.com. 2003.

• I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Funny, Life, Cutting

• Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Funny, Romance, Waterfalls

• I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, Soup of the Day: Cream of Asparagus. Ellen DeGeneres.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Funny, Humor, Asparagus

• The way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you're doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Funny, Humor, Hands

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