If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
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