Christopher Titus Quotes - Page 5

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You don't give out trophies for losing. Trophies for sucking. That's a communist idea. You don't get a trophy for losing. You get a piece of pizza and you shut up. Trophies for losing? What the hell happened to us?

Christopher Titus

Ideas, Giving, Trophies

"Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester.

Christopher Titus

Texas, People, Killing

"Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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Obama says he's bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a failed jobs program.

Christopher Titus

Jobs, Home, Calling

"Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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Losing builds character. You know who said that? A loser! Guy who got his ass stomped every day, basketball, football, baseball, lose, lose, lose and lose. All right, I'm talking about me.

Christopher Titus

Basketball, Baseball, Football

"Titus / Shannon's Song"". www.imdb.com. 2001.

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I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't dysfunctional, we couldn't function.

Christopher Titus

Moving, Thinking, Psychosis

"Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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Thanksgiving is a holiday that brought together two different cultures. The pilgrims came here with the best intentions. They decided to flee an oppressive people and move to a new land. Where they thrived. And became an oppressive people. You get certain people on the same continent, there's going to be a problem. Pilgrims and Indians. Protestants, Catholics. My family, anybody else's family.

Christopher Titus

Moving, Holiday, Land

"Titus / The Perfect Thanksgiving". www.imdb.com. 2000.

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In 1998, in Laramie, Wyoming, two guys beat up Matthew Shepard and left him on the side of the road hanging on the fence to die. They killed him, because Matthew Shepard was gay. They killed him, because Matthew Shepard was gay? They killed him.

Christopher Titus

Gay, Two, Wyoming

"Titus / Tommy's Not Gay". www.imdb.com. 2001.

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In a normal family, a surprise means presents, cake and a party. For me ? I had no idea. And my family, doing something nice is seen as an attack. When I was nine, I 'attacked' my father with a fathers day gift. A visor organiser for his car, because it was useful. And it rhymed. Visor. Organiser. I was nine.

Christopher Titus

Fathers Day, Nice, Party

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If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. George Washington, took on the British Empire. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Ken Titus taped a hotel key to his underwear to score with an airport security guard.

Christopher Titus

Moving, Moon, Keys

"Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

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When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. Some say, it's the only time we're perfect. You're also born covered in blood and placenta. No one gets nostalgic about that.

Christopher Titus

Blood, Perfect, Nostalgic

"Titus / Sex with Pudding". www.imdb.com. 2000.

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Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, "Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!"

Christopher Titus

Dad, Fighting

"Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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Step up or step aside.

Christopher Titus

Steps, Step Up

"5th Annual End of the World Tour", www.imdb.com. 2007.

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My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that!

Christopher Titus

Prayer, Father, Should

"Titus" (TV Series), www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

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I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.

Christopher Titus

Daughter, Cameras, Albums

"Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head.

Christopher Titus

Giving, Mind, Dollars

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And people get so weird about mental illness, you follow the rules! You don't up a heart patient on a roller coaster, you don't put a mental patient on a hunting trip with you!

Christopher Titus

Heart, Hunting, People

"Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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After President Obama, President Rodriguez... What's the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks better?

Christopher Titus

White, House, President

"Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to get mad enough to make the paper.

Christopher Titus

Dad, Mad, Car

"5th Annual End of the World Tour". Documentary, Comedy, www.imdb.com. 2007.

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The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman.

Christopher Titus

Yearbook, Fireman

"Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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My mom had this inate ability. Whatever town my mother moved to, the second she walked into town, she would instantly attract the alpha loser of that town. This guy was not a good guy. This guy was half O.J. Simpson and half O.J. Simpson. Scott Peterson sprinkles on the top, a side of Robert Blake. You know, not a good guy.

Christopher Titus

Mom, Mother, Guy

"Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend!

Christopher Titus

Girlfriend, Want, Danger

"Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

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My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am to him is a hunk of meat to block buck shot. Told you dad needed me. Who's the best man now?

Christopher Titus

Dad, Father, Block

"Titus / Episode 27". www.imdb.com. 2001.

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Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.

Christopher Titus

Philosophy, Philosophical, Passion

"Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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Divorce is just about change, you know. It's God saying, You need a change. And I'm going to make it so your bank account only has change.

Christopher Titus

Change, Divorce, Needs

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Life, is easy. And if yours isn't, quit whining. Oh, wait. unless you're just a head amd then, you do have it pretty rough. I don't know how you roll out of bed every morning.

Christopher Titus

Morning, Waiting, Bed

"Titus / Too Damn Good". www.imdb.com. 2002.

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Born: October 1, 1964
Occupation: Comedian
Cite this Page: Citation

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