Christopher Titus Quotes - Page 8

Quotes about:

• At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis.

  Christopher Titus

  Hangover, Men, Years

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  4 Copy quote

• My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated.

  Christopher Titus

  Violence, Acts Of Violence

  "Titus / Insanity Genetic: Part 2". www.imdb.com. 2002.

  4 Copy quote

• Osama's dead. Why is the terror alert elevated or imminent? Why not chill? Can't I just fly, keep my shoes on and avoid X-ray-fueled testicular cancer?

  Christopher Titus

  Cancer, Shoes, Rays

  4 Copy quote

• My parents got divorced. Early and ugly. My mum was nuts so I lived with my dad. We used to play a father/son games. Pin the blame on me, rock, paper, get me another beer, casino night.

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Father, Beer

  "The Reconciliation". "Titus" (TV Series), www.imdb.com. 2000.

  4 Copy quote

• In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake and a party. My family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment and destruction of private property. Sometimes we have cake. We're not losers.

  Christopher Titus

  Party, Mean, Cake

  "Titus / The Surprise Party". www.imdb.com. 2000.

  4 Copy quote

• How far would you go for someone you love ? I heard this story, about this woman, who actually lifted a car off of her baby. 'Course I would have said, Dude! Back up. But, wasn't my kid. When I was born, if I'd have known all the stuff my dad was going to do for me, I'd have crawled right back in.

  Christopher Titus

  Baby, Dad, Kids

  "Titus / The Test". www.imdb.com. 2000.

  4 Copy quote

• Thanksgiving is a holiday that brought together two different cultures. And things might not always work out like you think they should. But they always work out. I'm thankful that the world's in perfect harmony at all times. Pilgrims had it tough. But now, we live in the strongest, most prosperous country in the world. And the Indians, well, you know.

  Christopher Titus

  Country, Holiday, Thinking

  "Titus / The Perfect Thanksgiving". www.imdb.com. 2000.

  4 Copy quote

• Sisters ruin everything. It's in their job description.

  Christopher Titus

  Jobs, Ruins, Description

  "Titus / Same Courtesy". www.imdb.com. 2002.

  4 Copy quote

• So what if your custom car shop tanks and you've gotta take a crappy job at an auto parts store, dealing with ignorant, pushy people. I'm okay with that, 'cause I'm an ignorant, pushy people person.

  Christopher Titus

  Jobs, People, Car

  "Titus / Life Forward". www.imdb.com. 2001.

  4 Copy quote

• The towers fell, and the first thing that went through my head was my dad's voice: 'Well, you brought a new life into the world, and the world's over. Nice timing, numbnuts!

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Nice, Voice

  "5th Annual End of the World Tour". www.imdb.com. 2007.

  4 Copy quote

• By the way, six A.M.? Not a real great time for me; you know, I'm a comic. I get off work at two. Six A.M., I'm a little grumpy. Six A.M., I'm a little P.O.ed. Six A.M., I'm like a vampire with a paper route.

  Christopher Titus

  Real, Two, Vampire

  "Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding". www.imdb.com. 2004.

  4 Copy quote

• The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!

  Christopher Titus

  Damn You, Tests, United States

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  4 Copy quote

• I'm thinking of a presidential bid; currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.

  Christopher Titus

  Thinking, Presidential, Junk

  4 Copy quote

• We don't have home movies in my family. We have people's exhibit A.

  Christopher Titus

  Home, People, My Family

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  4 Copy quote

• My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

  Christopher Titus

  Mother, Father, Alcoholics Anonymous

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  4 Copy quote

• And my daughter's too smart. She gets it watching TV. She gets it. She's five. She gets it. I... I have a smart kid; I don't want a smart kid. I'm gonna start feedin' her lead paint chips just to bring her down.

  Christopher Titus

  Daughter, Smart, Kids

  "5th Annual End of the World Tour". www.imdb.com. 2007.

  4 Copy quote

• Pope John Paul didn't die - he pre-boarded.

  Christopher Titus

  Pope, Pope John Paul, John Paul

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  4 Copy quote

• My mom was crazy. And her mom was crazy. And her mom's mom was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going to live the rest of my life giggling at raindrops, wearing paper slippers ? When I go to dinner with friends, should I not use a fork 'cause I just might snap? Hey, you guys look great. How's the baby?

  Christopher Titus

  Baby, Crazy, Dinner With Friends

  "Titus / Insanity Genetic: Part 2". www.imdb.com. 2002.

  5 Copy quote

• We are brought into this world cold, weak, and helpless. Then it gets worse.

  Christopher Titus

  Philosophy, Philosophical, World

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• The government favors the most diplomatic language. That's why any letter to them should always start with, "Dear turkeys and foul maggots..."

  Christopher Titus

  Philosophy, Government, Turkeys

  4 Copy quote

• Born free. Taxed to death.

  Christopher Titus

  Philosophy, Philosophical, Born

  7 Copy quote

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