Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
The past always looks better than it was;
it's only pleasant because it isn't here.
An appeal is when you ask one court to show its contempt for another court.
The world is not growing worse and it is not growing better - it is just turning around as usual.
If Christian scientists had more science and doctors more Christianity, it wouldn't make any difference which you called in - if you had a good nurse.
A lie with a purpose is one of the worst kind, and the most profitable
Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.
A man's idea in a game of cards is war, cruel, devastating, and pitiless. A lady's idea of it is a combination of larceny, embezzlement and burglary.
Th' newspaper does ivrything f'r us. It runs th' polis foorce an' th' banks, commands th' milishy, controls th' ligislachure, baptizes th' young, marries th' foolish, comforts th' afflicted, afflicts th' comfortable, buries th' dead an' roasts thim aftherward.
Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.
There are no friends at cards or world politics
There aint any news in being good. You might write the doings of all the convents of the world on the back of a postage stamp, and have room to spare.
Vice is a creature of such hideous mien... that the more you see it the better you like it
Politics ain't beanbag: 'tis a man's game, and women, children 'n' pro-hy-bitionists had best stay out of it.
Drink never made a man better, but it has made many a man think he was better.
Many a man that couldn't direct ye to th' drug store on th' corner when he was thirty will get a respectful hearin' when age has further impaired his mind.
I niver knew a pollytician to go wrong ontil he's been contaminated by contact with a business man.
I wonder why you can always read a doctor's bill and you can never read his prescription.
The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married.
Th' first thing to have in a libry is a shelf. Fr'm time to time this can be decorated with lithrachure. But th' shelf is th' main thing.
A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks the Lord would do if He knew the facts of the case.
Stories are meant to comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable.
You can lade a man up to th' university, but ye can't make him think.
Histhry is a post-mortem examination. It tellsye what a counthry died iv. But I'd like to know what it lived iv.
It don't make much difference what you study, so long as you don't like it.
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