I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.
It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.
How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.
Ain't fit for man nor beast
In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.
The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature...no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike.
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.
A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does.
Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.
Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.
The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .
Never mind what I told you - you do as I tell you.
Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.
To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.
I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.
Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.
I'm looking for loopholes.
Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.
It is funnier to bend things than to break them.
I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.
It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.
Happiness means quiet nerves.
What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends
or simply: