So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."
After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.
I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.
I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.
We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.
My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.
It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.
We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.
I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn't hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.
The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.
My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.
My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.
This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.
I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.
She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.
My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.
I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.
A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.
The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.
A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.
Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep.
I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.
I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.
My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.
A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches - two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.
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