You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.
I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.
When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.
Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.
I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."
I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.
Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.
My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.
I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!
Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?
I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."
Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"
The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."
Hookers don't like to snuggle.
I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.
I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.
Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?
I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.
I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.
Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.
I call my balls the bush twins.
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