You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'
Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!'
My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.
I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.
I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.
I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.
Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.
My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.
I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.
I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!
Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?
I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."
I call my balls the bush twins.
The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."
Hookers don't like to snuggle.
I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.
My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.
Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?
I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.
Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.
You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.
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