Mitch Hedberg Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Glasses

• My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Leadership, Sarcastic

  "Mitch All Together". Live album by Mitch Hedberg, December 9, 2003.

• Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Food, Humor

• A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Witty, Laughter

• I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Crazy, Humor

• Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Food, Humor

• I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Travel, Fall

  "Making Maps, Second Edition" by John Krygier, Denis Wood, The Guilford Press, (p. 58), 2011.

• I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Way

• I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Witty, Clever

  "Strategic Grill Locations". Comedy album by Mitch Hedberg, 1999.

• An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Sorry, Humor

• The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Depressing, Wall

• I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Gum

• I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Long

  "Strategic Grill Locations". 1999.

• I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Birthday, Humor
• 

  I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Girlfriend, Mad

• I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Soccer, Humor

• This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Witty, Humorous

  "Strategic Grill Locations". Comedy album by Mitch Hedberg, 1999.

• That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It's cool, he's with me.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Would Be

• Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Night

• I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, "Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!"

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Cutting

• Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Children, Book

  "Mitch All Together". Live album by Mitch Hedberg, December 9, 2003.

• Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Needs

• When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Arrows

• This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard. The mailman will get shot, the envelope will not seal, the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. The final payment must be made in wampum.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Finals

• I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Life, Dream

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