Mitch Hedberg Quotes - Page 3

Quotes about:

• Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Air

  "Do You Believe in Gosh?". Live album by Mitch Hedberg, September 9, 2008.

  5 Copy quote

• Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Guy

  95 Copy quote

• I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Lakes

  85 Copy quote

• You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Lakes

  18 Copy quote

• Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Depression, Humor

  16 Copy quote

• This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Witty, Humorous

  "Strategic Grill Locations". Comedy album by Mitch Hedberg, 1999.

  62 Copy quote

• Why are there no "during" pictures?

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor

  7 Copy quote

• I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... so when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say Go around I cannot open the wall I dunno if you have a door on your side but over here there's nothin'. It's just flat.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Wall, Doors, Your Side

  "Comedy Central Presents", January 5, 1999.

  55 Copy quote

• I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Phones

  15 Copy quote

• My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Food, Humor

  "Mitch All Together". Live album by Mitch Hedberg, www.theguardian.com. December 9, 2003.

  22 Copy quote

• I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Life, Witty

  16 Copy quote

• I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Giving Up, Don't Give Up

  55 Copy quote

• I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Birthday, Humor

  61 Copy quote

• I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Animal

  12 Copy quote

• I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Dream, Hate, Sleep

  18 Copy quote

• That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It's cool, he's with me.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Would Be

  57 Copy quote

• I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

  16 Copy quote

• The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Clever, Humor

  "Mitch All Together". Live Album by Mitch Hedberg, 2003.

  20 Copy quote

• I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Cab Drivers

  13 Copy quote

• Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Dog, Humor

  16 Copy quote

• People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Dog, People

  14 Copy quote

• When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Running, Humor

  20 Copy quote

• If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Missing

  10 Copy quote

• I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Girlfriend, Tents, Argument

  11 Copy quote

• When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Light

  19 Copy quote

Page 3 of 16

First

← Prev

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

Next →

• facebook
• twitter
• googleplus
• email
• linkedin