A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.
I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent . . . he's not rich enough to be a Republican.
Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many times during the night as Burt Reynolds, but not for the same reason.
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
I was called Rembrandt Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.
Everybody is afraid they won't have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in.
Having so many gold courses so close together was ideal for me. With my slice I could enjoy three or four golf courses at the same time.
You could buy my book in a paperback edition for a dollar, and in hard covers for $3.50. And for fifty cents extra, I come around to your house personally and wet your finger while you're turning the pages.
It was a typically British birth... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward... I came out in sympathy.
I don't bother to look for parking space anymore. As soon as I get near Hollywood Boulevard ... I sell.
The Governor has no presidential aspirations. In fact he just made a tour of 43 states just to tell them he's not running for anything.
Did you see where President Reagan finally got a hearing aid? People have been telling him to get one for years, but he couldn't hear them.
Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn't get elected, he'd go back to acting.
After the 1984 Summer Olympics, Reagan wanted to add the U.S. volleyball team to his Cabinet. He figured if they can't shove his programs down Congress' throat, nobody can.
Everybody knows what California smog is - that's fog with the vitamins removed.
I knew the President would run for reelection in 1984. Why not? Actors love sequels ... and returns.
In England when you make a movie even the weather is against you. In Hollywood the weatherman gets a shooting schedule from all the major studios and then figures out where he can fit in a little rain without upsetting Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer too much.
Sure, we did need the oil in America. How else could Dolly Parton get into some of her dresses?
I've always felt England was a great place for a comic to work. It's an island and the audience can't run very far.
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