There has been no electricity in Baghdad for a week and the people are angry. You would be angry too if you couldn't watch your brand new stolen TV.
California's economy is declining so rapidly that candidates are asking 'Are you better off now then you were four minutes ago?'
Larry Flynt, running for governor of California. His goal - change our state bird to the spread eagle.
As John Kerry sails toward the Democratic nomination, new questions are emerging about President Bush's service in the National Guard, like where he was for six months in 1972 and why he refused to take a routine physical. President Bush has vowed to get to the bottom of this right after Election Day.
Declassified papers report that John Kennedy was taking eight different medications a day. He was so wasted, his Secret Service code name was Ted Kennedy.
Howard Dean is narrowing the field of potential running mates. It's down to Mike Tyson or Bobby Knight.
I don't want to scare anybody here but we just received word from police that Howard Dean is loose and may be armed with a microphone.
Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoir has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern.
John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle.
Martha Stewart was convicted of four counts of lying and obstruction of justice and could serve up to 20 years in Congress.
President Bush is not fazed by other candidates' war records. He said, I may have not fought in Vietnam, but I created one.
Bush said the unemployment situation is turning around. Last week alone, 5,000 people started working for John Kerry.
President Bush is in the hot seat over Iraqi pre-war intelligence. Remember the good ol' days when the only thing the president was trying to cover up was a stain?
Ironically, the possibility that the president dodged his military service has increased his approval ratings with Democrats by 80 percent.
Clinton said he feels safe in Harlem. It's the only place in the state Hillary is scared to look for him after dark.
Today Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge lowered the terror alert from orange to yellow. Does anybody need 16 miles of duct tape?
In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard troops. Here's the weird part, nobody remembers seeing him there.
There are 300,000 new jobs and Bush said he's confused, 'Can I take credit for good news that I didn't even make up?'
President Bush announced a billion dollar mission to the moon and Mars. He came up with a snappy new slogan - to drill where no man has drilled before.
With Iraq plunging into chaos and gas prices at record highs President Bush took time out this weekend for a ride on his bicycle, but unfortunately he fell off and sustained cuts to his face and hands. Apparently Bush was distracted by the enormous responsibilities of the presidency. I'm just kidding. He hit some gravel or something.
Bryant Gumbel is thrilled about his CBS deal and can't wait to start alienating the staff of an entirely new network.
The prison scandal is really hurting President Bush's poll numbers. In fact, I hear he's already working on his concession smirk.
George W. Bush even stopped in Pennsylvania to try his hand at the lotto and gave up when he could only think of the numbers 4 and 17
Saddam Hussein is about to face trial and George Bush wants to execute him. Not because of the war crimes, but because Saddam is beating him in the polls.
This is so weird. I saw the new John Kerry campaign commercial and he says, 'I'm John Kerry and I approve of this message - if I have one.'
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