George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.
You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.
Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.
If I don't believe in Jesus, maybe I don't believe in Hell. Did you ever think of that? You're so excited about it, why don't you go to Hell? It's your concept; you invented it.
I don't know what Tracy Morgan does on stage, but I can assure you it's no act.
Pixar has announced Larry the Cable Guy will be starring in Cars 3 thru 6. Howie Mandel will be playing his sidekick, Mopey the Moped.
Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it's the funniest.
I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.
Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.
I watched Anderson Cooper 360 for a year before I realized that the second hour was a repeat of the first. I just thought his reporting seemed familiar.
I have no sympathy for the people who went to Charlie Sheen's show and were disappointed. That didn't seem very organized! That guy's all over the map!
Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.
I watched Master Class with Lorne Michaels on OWN. How can somebody produce a sketch show and talk for an hour and not say something even slightly amusing, or sarcastic, or ironic, or interesting, or informative? 'My mission as a producer is to encourage creativity.' Mission accomplished.
Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.
I don't like any nastiness on tv unless it's coming from me.
I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California.' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'?
Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch.
Larry the Cable Guy has signed a deal with Cracker Barrel. Not the store. He signed a deal with a barrel full of angry rednecks.
I don't know if it's the weather or what's going on - the summer or something like that - but recently I've been feeling extremely bisexual. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's going on, but I walked down the street and, suddenly, the ladies are looking awfully good to me.
Judah Friedlander, I'm ok with you being the world champion for a few years more. That's a hook with legs. But I think he should make one more hat, that says 'there's a limit to how funny words on a hat can be'. And then move to a chapeau.
I'm on a show called Wizards of Wavery Place, and I like it, but I'm unable to convince my Tivo that I wouldn't also like iCarly.
I'm sorry and ashamed to report that I'm not actually a Jew. I was pretending to be a Jew to minimize the holocaust.
Some of my stuff, I realize is just rage.
Adam Carolla is like Hitler if Hitler wasn’t funny.
I believe at the end of my career I'll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame.
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