Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.
If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead.
I'd have liked to have gone to bed with Jean Harlow. She was a beautiful broad. The fellow who married her was impotent and he killed himself. I would have done the same thing.
I'm not going to pay good money to join a club that lets in people like me.
You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Jail is no place for a young fellow. There's no advancement.
The Alps are a simple folk, living on a diet of old shoes. And the Lord Alps those who alp themselves.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
I am a man and you are a woman. I can't think of a better arrangement.
I could dance with you till the cows come home. Better still, I'll dance with the cows and you come home." Groucho Marx was never one to pass up an opportunity for a play on words and this occurs in his dialogue of the 1933 film Duck Soup.
My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
Madam, you're making history, in fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
TV is the rat race of the century.
Thirteen at a table is unlucky only, when the hostess has only twelve chops.
Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!
Home is where you hang your head.
Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life
Remember, the grass is always greener where you don't happen to be the neighbor.
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. ANOTHER VERSION I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. ANOTHER VERSION I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.
Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.
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