Comedian Quotes - Page 9

• It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Money, Nice

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Jul 09, 2012

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• I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.

  Louis C. K.

  Life, Sleep, Insomnia

  7 Copy quote

• It's funny that we think of libraries as quiet demure places where we are shushed by dusty, bun-balancing, bespectacled women. The truth is libraries are raucous clubhouses for free speech, controversy and community. Librarians have stood up to the Patriot Act, sat down with noisy toddlers and reached out to illiterate adults. Libraries can never be shushed.

  Paula Poundstone

  Truth, Women, Book

  39 Copy quote
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  You can tell how smart people are by what they laugh at.

  Tina Fey

  Witty, Smart, Humor

  Interview with Oprah Winfrey, www.oprah.com. February, 2009.

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• As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.

  David Sedaris

  Funny, Children, Growing Up

  8 Copy quote

• The only time you should look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them.

  Louis C. K.

  Kindness, Looks, Be Kind

  "Louie: Pregnant". TV Series, tv.avclub.com. 2011.

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• Being a teenager and figuring out who you are is hard enough without someone attacking you.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Being Yourself, Teenage, Finding Yourself

  "Gay suicide sparks calls for tougher privcacy laws in the US". "AM" on ABC Radio, www.abc.net.au. October 2, 2010.

  44 Copy quote

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• A day without laughter is a day wasted.

  Charlie Chaplin

  Funny, Good Morning, Happiness

  1315 Copy quote

• If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

  Henny Youngman

  Inspirational, Funny, Success

  76 Copy quote

• My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

  Caroline Rhea

  Inspirational, Funny, Hilarious

  101 Copy quote

• Success in life has nothing to do with what you gain in life or accomplish for yourself. It's what you do for others.

  Danny Thomas

  Life, Motivational, Success

  97 Copy quote

• There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

  Jack E. Leonard

  Funny, Life, Death

  "The Comedian: It's Not Easy Being Mean" by Amy Nicholson, www.mtv.com. February 1, 2017.

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  I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.

  Robin Williams

  Love, Life, Lonely

  996 Copy quote

• You either like me or you don't. It took me twenty-something years to learn how to love myself, I don't have that kinda time to convince somebody else.

  Daniel Franzese

  Inspirational, Motivational, Suicide

  59 Copy quote

• Enjoy life. Have fun. Be kind. Have worth. Have friends. Be honest. Laugh. Die with dignity. Make the most of it. It's all we've got.

  Ricky Gervais

  Inspirational, Positive, Friends

  FaceBook post by Ricky Gervais from Jun 17, 2014

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• I am learning every day to allow the space between where I am and where I want to be to inspire me and not terrify me.

  Tracee Ellis Ross

  Inspirational, Learning, Positive Thinking

  FaceBook post by Tracee Ellis Ross from Jul 05, 2012

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• I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Humorous, Memorable

  21 Copy quote

• I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Humorous, Thinking

  60 Copy quote

• A Christmas tree--the perfect gift for a guy. The plant is already dead.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Christmas, Humorous

  6 Copy quote
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  There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Sports, Sarcastic

  87 Copy quote

• The violence or the vaudeville style of comedy is a technique all by itself. You get up there, and you are a comedian, and you're doing one thing. That is, you're going to make the audience laugh.

  Leslie Nielsen

  Laughing, Style, Violence

  7 Copy quote

• Today's comedian has a cross to bear that he built himself. A comedian of the older generation did an act and he told the audience, This is my act. Today's comic is not doing an act. The audience assumes he's telling the truth. What is truth today may be a damn lie next week.

  Lenny Bruce

  Lying, Next Week, May

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• I was with a famous comedian when a young fan walked up and asked for an autograph. The comedian blew him off. I'll never forget the look on the young boy's face. He was devastated.

  Louie Anderson

  Inspirational, Boys, Fans

  7 Copy quote

• There was this whole middle time that only Chris Rock came out of, you know, 10 years ago it was Chris and a few other people, but that's about it. Chris is in a class of his own; I don't see another comedian who I put in high regard as him.

  Bob Saget

  Rocks, Years, Class

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• I don’t like writing for comedians. I like writing for actors. The best comedians are the best actors.

  Neil Simon

  Writing, Actors

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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