Funny Comedian Quotes

• I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.

  Winston Spear

  Funny, Nice, Taken

  19 Copy quote

• I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Bird

  12 Copy quote

• By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

  George Carlin

  Honesty, Comedian, Second Best

  George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

  6 Copy quote

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• The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, War, Fighting

  55 Copy quote

• People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

  Joan Rivers

  Happiness, Money, Funny Life

  "Remembering Joan Rivers" by Erica Diamond, www.huffingtonpost.com. September 8, 2014.

  30 Copy quote

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• I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

  Woody Allen

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  "Death: A Comedy in One Act". Book by Woody Allen, 1975.

  134 Copy quote

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• I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Witty, Baby

  "The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said"by R. Byrne, (p. 94), 2003.

  61 Copy quote

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• I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Education, Humor, People

  14 Copy quote

• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Laughter, Humorous

  428 Copy quote

• I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

  Joan Rivers

  Success, Inspiration, Memorable

  "Funny Ladies" by B. Adler, (p. 272), 2001.

  45 Copy quote

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• I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

  Elayne Boosler

  Funny, Life, Hilarious

  86 Copy quote

• If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.

  Bobcat Goldthwait

  Funny, Advice, Police

  14 Copy quote

• I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Hate, Humorous

  "Laugh Off: The Comedy Showdown Between Real Life and the Pros". Book by Bob Fenster, 2005.

  93 Copy quote

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• I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'

  Bruce Baum

  Funny, Witty, Humorous

  46 Copy quote

• My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

  Paula Poundstone

  Inspirational, Funny, Motivational

  16 Copy quote

• I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?

  Garry Shandling

  Girl, Selfish, Thinking

  221 Copy quote

• I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Nice, Humor

  8 Copy quote

• My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.

  Ron Richards

  Funny, Humorous, Giving

  45 Copy quote

• Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Life, Witty

  George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.205, Hachette UK

  24 Copy quote

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• In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

  Warren Hutcherson

  Funny, School, Humor

  45 Copy quote
• 

  Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

  Mel Brooks

  Funny, Death, Suicide

  "The 2,000 Year Old Man". Animation, Comedy, 1975.

  41 Copy quote

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• A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

  Conan O'Brien

  Inspirational, Funny, Women

  69 Copy quote

• Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.

  Paul Rodriguez

  Funny, War, Teaching

  19 Copy quote

• Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away.

  Billiam Coronel

  Dog, Comedian, Looks

  45 Copy quote

• I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.

  Lily Tomlin

  Inspirational, Funny, Humor

  7 Copy quote