Funny Life Quotes - Page 5

• I am irritated by my own writing. I am like a violinist whose ear is true, but whose fingers refuse to reproduce precisely the sound he hears within.

  Gustave Flaubert

  Writing, Sound, Ears

  17 Copy quote

• The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

  Arthur C. Clarke

  Zero, Business, Honesty

  "The Mammoth Book of Zingers, Quips, and One-Liners". Book by Geoff Tibballs (p. 264), 2004.

  21 Copy quote

  Show source

• There must be more to life than having everything.

  Maurice Sendak

  Life, Environmental, Materialism

  Maurice Sendak, William Knowlton Zinsser (1998). “Worlds of Childhood: The Art and Craft of Writing for Children”, p.25, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt

  53 Copy quote

  Show source

• Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

  Phyllis Diller

  Mom, Witty, Funny Inspirational

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.81, Penguin

  14 Copy quote

  Show source

• Life is a zoo in a jungle.

  Peter De Vries

  Life, Zoos, Bad Day

  Peter De Vries (2014). “The Vale of Laughter: A Novel”, p.86, Open Road Media

  55 Copy quote

  Show source

• Comedy is tragedy plus time.

  Carol Burnett

  Life, Happiness, Time

  Carol Burnett (2016). “In Such Good Company: Eleven Years of Laughter, Mayhem, and Fun in the Sandbox”, p.112, Crown Archetype

  45 Copy quote

  Show source

• There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.

  Hugh Leonard

  Hilarious, Law, Gentleman

  18 Copy quote
• 

  All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

  Woody Allen

  Inspiring, Witty, Funny Inspirational

  Woody Allen (1998). “Deconstructing Harry”

  31 Copy quote

  Show source

• I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humorous, Food

  105 Copy quote

• If you don't understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child.

  Linda Sunshine

  Sister, Funny Inspirational, Children

  Linda Sunshine (2012). “Mom Loves Me Best: (And Other Lies You Told Your Sister)”, p.20, Andrews McMeel Publishing

  31 Copy quote

  Show source

• Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

  Groucho Marx

  Marriage, Funny Love, Witty

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  93 Copy quote

  Show source

• Adventure is nothing but a romantic name for trouble.

  Louis L'Amour

  Adventure, Names, Trouble

  Louis L'Amour (2008). “Education of a Wandering Man”, p.80, Bantam

  6 Copy quote

  Show source

• Life is like a cobweb, not an organization chart.

  Ross Perot

  Inspirational, Life, Motivational

  21 Copy quote

• Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Life, Humor

  "They're not laughing now". www.theguardian.com. December 29, 2003.

  29 Copy quote

  Show source

• Life is just a bowl of cherries, don't take it serious, its mysterious. Life is just a bowl of cherries, so live and laugh and laugh at love, love a laugh, laugh and love.

  Bob Fosse

  Love, Laughing, Mysterious Life

  94 Copy quote

• I came into this world black, naked and ugly. And no matter how much I accumulate here, it's a short journey. I will go out of this world black, naked and ugly. So I enjoy life.

  Screamin' Jay Hawkins

  Journey, Enjoy Life, Black

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  21 Copy quote

  Show source

• Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.

  Andy Borowitz

  Song, Chicago, Would Be

  6 Copy quote

• The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

  Natalie Wood

  Funny, Success, Hilarious

  90 Copy quote

• The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.

  Henry David Thoreau

  Inspirational, Life, Success

  Walden ch. 1 (1854)

  37 Copy quote

  Show source

• The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.

  Robert A. Heinlein

  Life, Success, Inspire

  79 Copy quote

• First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

  Steve Martin

  Inspirational, Funny, Hilarious

  41 Copy quote

• I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

  Andy Rooney

  Age, Lucky, Purpose

  "Factbox: Quotes from '60 Minutes' commentator Andy Rooney". Compiled by Bill Trott, www.reuters.com. November 05, 2011.

  15 Copy quote

  Show source

• Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.

  William Arthur Ward

  Inspirational, Uplifting, Forgiveness

  25 Copy quote

• There's birth, there's death, and in between there's maintenance.

  Tom Robbins

  Maintenance, Birth

  "Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates". Book by Tom Robbins, 2001.

  7 Copy quote

  Show source

• One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

  Erma Bombeck

  Sarcastic, Children, Hate

  Erma Bombeck (1997). “Forever, Erma: Best-Loved Writing From America's Favorite Humorist”, p.153, Andrews McMeel Publishing

  28 Copy quote

  Show source