Funny Life Quotes - Page 9

• I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Friendship, Witty

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• I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!

  Yogi Berra

  Funny, Drunk, Waiting

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• A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Laughter, Children

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• Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Baby, Mistake, Age

  "German schoolkids perform adorably chilling Kraftwerk cover" by Joe Blevins, www.avclub.com. March 30, 2015.

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• Airplane Law, The: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.

  Paul Dickson

  Airplane, Law, Want

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• These things sneak up on him for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency.

  Margaret Atwood

  Vitamins, Reason, Flash

  FaceBook post by Margaret Atwood from Aug 21, 2016

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• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Life, Birthday

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• A cousin of mine who was a casualty surgeon in Manhattan tells me that he and his colleagues had a one-word nickname for bikers: Donors. Rather chilling.

  Stephen Fry

  Cousin, Humorous, Bikers

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• He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.

  Neil Simon

  Humorous, Nervous, Belts

  Neil Simon (2000). “Odd Couple One and Two”, p.45, Simon and Schuster

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• A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

  Friedrich Nietzsche

  Feelings, Jokes, Epigrams

  Human, All Too Human vol. 2, pt. 1, sec. 202 (1878) (translation by R. J. Hollingdale)

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• Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you've felt that way.

  Charles Bukowski

  Uplifting, Morning, Positivity

  Charles Bukowski, “Gamblers All”

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• If I can sell tickets to my movies like Red Sonja or Last Action Hero, you know I can sell just about anything.

  Arnold Schwarzenegger

  Hero, Red, Lasts

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• Life is a gamble, at terrible odds - if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.

  Tom Stoppard

  Life, Gambling, Odds

  Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead act 3 (1967)

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• Born to be wild - live to outgrow it.

  Douglas Horton

  Birth, Born

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• The gods throw the dice and they don't ask whether we want to be in the game or not.

  Paulo Coelho

  Games, Insecurity, Want

  "By The River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept". Book by Paulo Coelho, 1994.

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• It's not true that life is one damn thing after another; it is one damn thing over and over.

  Edna St. Vincent Millay

  Funny, Life, Existence

  Letter to Arthur Davison Ficke, 24 Oct. 1930 See Modern Proverbs 52

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• I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die.

  Sherrilyn Kenyon

  Smart, Looking Good, Young

  Sherrilyn Kenyon (2011). “Invincible: The Chronicles of Nick”, p.8, Macmillan

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• Luck is a very thin wire between survival and disaster, and not many people can keep their balance on it.

  Hunter S. Thompson

  People, Luck, Survival

  Hunter S. Thompson (2014). “Fear and Loathing in America: The Brutal Odyssey of an Outlaw Journalist 1968-1976”, p.19, Bloomsbury Publishing

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• The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.

  Andy Borowitz

  Life Is, Now And Then, Tweet

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• If your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.

  Bill Watterson

  Life, Fun, Garden

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• I'm more financially successful, but it just means the shopping blunders I make are bigger now.

  Cathy Guisewite

  Mean, Successful, Shopping

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• The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family.

  Thomas Jefferson

  Family, Happiness, Success

  Thomas Jefferson (1900). “The Life and Writings of ...”

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• I don't like driving very much. That makes me very unhappy, because I scream a lot in the car, but other than that, life is actually pretty good.

  Whoopi Goldberg

  Car, Unhappy, Driving

  "Whoopi Goldberg in full flight" by Cole Morton, www.theguardian.com. April 17, 2009.

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• We only have to look at ourselves to see how intelligent life might develop into something we wouldn't want to meet.

  Stephen Hawking

  Funny, Science, Intelligent

  "Stephen Hawking warns over making contact with aliens". news.bbc.co.uk. April 25, 2010.

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• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

  Lana Turner

  Funny, Success, Hilarious

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