Hilarious Quotes - Page 8

• When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.

  Bill Watterson

  Fun, Giving, If Life Gives You Lemons

  15 Copy quote

• I don't want to be alone, I want to be left alone.

  Audrey Hepburn

  Loneliness, Being Alone, Feeling Alone

  47 Copy quote

• Coffee isn't my cup of tea.

  Samuel Goldwyn

  Funny, Food, Humorous

  13 Copy quote

• I never avoid something that challenges my guts and my heart. While I might occasionally puke my guts out, I have never puked my heart out.

  Michael Scott

  Heart, Challenges, Might

  7 Copy quote

• Now airlines charge for everything... If the oxygen mask drops, you have to swipe your credit card to start the flow of the oxygen.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Oxygen, Cards, Credit

  6 Copy quote

• If you have something to say and say nothing, you are really telling a lie.

  Ashleigh Brilliant

  Lying, Ifs

  10 Copy quote

• I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Funny, Cute, Humorous

  "My Point...And I Do Have One". Book by Ellen DeGeneres, 1995.

  46 Copy quote

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• I've had great success being a total idiot.

  Jerry Lewis

  Success, Idiot, Cool Funny

  126 Copy quote

• I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

  Jon Stewart

  Funny, Country, Witty

  "Vancouver Hockey Riot: Blame Canada!". ew.com. June 16, 2011.

  13 Copy quote

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• There is no female Mozart because there is no female Jack the Ripper.

  Camille Paglia

  Inspirational, Men, Female

  Sexual Personae ch. 8 (1990)

  62 Copy quote

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• I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

  Jon Stewart

  Character, Adults, Body

  9 Copy quote

• What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.

  Gena Showalter

  Life, Mean, Winning

  12 Copy quote

• I think women dress for other women to let them know what their deal is. Because if women were only dressing for men, there would be nothing but Victoria's Secret. There would be no Dior.

  Tina Fey

  Men, Thinking, Secret

  11 Copy quote

• I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.

  Paul Lynde

  Humorous, Three, Cosmetics

  12 Copy quote

• I thought Europe was a country?

  Kellie Pickler

  Country, Europe

  13 Copy quote

• My life is an open book. With illustrations.

  Hugh Hefner

  Book, Illustration, Life Is

  "Hugh Hefner: What I've Learned" by Wil S.Hylton, www.esquire.com. January 29, 2007.

  71 Copy quote

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• A boo is a lot louder than a cheer.

  Lance Armstrong

  Cheer, Acceptance, Rejection

  "King of the Hill". Sports Illustrated, August 5, 2002.

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• The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.

  Yogi Berra

  Funny, Sports, Baseball

  67 Copy quote

• Crack is cheap. I make too much money to ever smoke crack. Let's get that straight. OK? We don't do crack. We don't do that. Crack is whack.

  Whitney Houston

  Cracks, Too Much, Smoke

  11 Copy quote

• Dublin university contains the cream of Ireland: Rich and thick.

  Samuel Beckett

  Funny, Ireland And The Irish, Dublin

  7 Copy quote

• [Thine] face is not worth sunburning.

  William Shakespeare

  Faces

  10 Copy quote

• How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Sarcastic, Crazy

  20 Copy quote

• If I was president of the good old U.S.A., I'd turn the churches into strip clubs and watch the whole world pray.

  Kid Rock

  Church, President, Watches

  37 Copy quote

• Girls, if a boy says something that isn't funny, you don't have to laugh.

  Amy Poehler

  Girl, Boys, Laughing

  7 Copy quote

• I just want one day off when I can go swimming and eat ice cream and look at rainbows.

  Mariah Carey

  Funny, Food, Swimming

  "The wit and wisdom of Mariah Carey". Interview with Aaron Hicklin, www.theguardian.com. April 26, 2014.

  60 Copy quote

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