Humorous Quotes - Page 9

• Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

  Irving Kristol

  Witty, Freedom, Patriotic

  "Two Cheers for Capitalism". Book by Irving Kristol, May 11, 1978.

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• And yet the motives of women are so inscrutable. You remember the woman at Margate whom I suspected for the same reason. No powder on her nose - that proved to be the correct solution. How can you build on such a quicksand? Their most trivial action may mean volumes, or their most extraordinary conduct may depend upon a hairpin or a curling tongs.

  Arthur Conan Doyle

  Mean, Sarcasm, Noses

  Arthur Conan Doyle (2016). “The Return of Sherlock Holmes”, p.174, My Ebook Publishing House

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• I have my own views about Nature's methods, though I feel that it is rather like a beetle giving his

  Arthur Conan Doyle

  Nature, Sarcasm, Views

  Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (2010). “The Stark Munro Letters”, p.92, The Floating Press

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• There are no nudists in cold areas.

  Tsugumi Ohba

  Funny, Sarcastic, Ironic

  Tsugumi Ohba, Takeshi Obata (2007). “Death note: Kindred spirit”, VIZ Media LLC

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• I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating than the man who invented retreating.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Military, Army

  Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain on Common Sense: Timeless Advice and Words of Wisdom from America's Most-Revered Humorist”, p.60, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

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• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Life, Sarcastic

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• Don't let schooling interfere with your education.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Funny, Cute

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• Wit is educated insolence.

  Aristotle

  Inspirational, Witty, Definitions

  Aristotle (1909). “The Rhetoric of Aristotle: A Translation”

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• Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

  Napoleon Bonaparte

  Witty, Funny Inspirational, Business

  "The Military Quotation Book" by James Charlton, (p. 93), 2002.

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• Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

  T. S. Eliot

  Witty, Writing, Editing

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• Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

  H. G. Wells

  Jealousy, Witty, Hypocrisy

  The Wife of Sir Isaac Harman (1914) ch. 9, sect. 2

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• Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

  Mae West

  Sarcastic, Witty, Gun

  "MIT Students Develop A Wearable That Detects Emotions In Speech" by Logan Strain, wearablezone.com. February 09, 2017.

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• Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.

  J. P. McEvoy

  Dream, People, Would Be

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• Coffee isn't my cup of tea.

  Samuel Goldwyn

  Funny, Hilarious, Food

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• The funniest things are the forbidden.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Novelists, Forbidden Things

  Mark Twain (1976). “Mark Twain's Notebooks & Journals, Volume II: (1877-1883)”, p.304, Univ of California Press

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• The world's strongest animals are plant eaters. Gorillas, Buffaloes, Elephants and me.

  Patrik Baboumian

  Funny, Animal, Elephants

  FaceBook post by Patrik Baboumian from Apr 01, 2017

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• Nirvana is not the blowing out of the candle. It is the extinguishing of the flame because day is come.

  Rabindranath Tagore

  Death, Flames, Profound

  "Wrestling Archangels". Book by Bede Clarke, 2001.

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• God created war so that Americans would learn geography.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

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• If you are in trouble anywhere in the world, an airplane can fly over and drop flowers, but a helicopter can land and save your life.

  Igor Sikorsky

  Funny, Life, Flower

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• People often ask me, "What's the difference between couplehood and babyhood?" In a word? Moisture. Everything in my life is now more moist. Between your spittle, your diapers, your spit-up and drool, you got your baby food, your wipes, your formula, your leaky bottles, sweaty baby backs, and numerous other untraceable sources-all creating an ever-present moistness in my life, which heretofore was mainly dry.

  Paul Reiser

  Baby, Children, Parenting

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• Not enough gets said about the importance of abandoning crap.

  Ira Glass

  Funny, Enough, Said

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• You don't have to suffer to be a poet; adolescence is enough suffering for anyone.

  John Ciardi

  Inspirational, Sarcastic, Children

  1962 In the Saturday Review, Fall issue.

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• I'm a woman of very few words, but lots of action.

  Mae West

  Sarcastic, Witty, Sassy

  Mae West (1967). “The wit and wisdom of Mae West”

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• I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

  Elvis Presley

  Music, Witty, Redneck

  Quoted in Robert Byrne, The Other 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said (1984)

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• I favor the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and it must be enforced at gunpoint if necessary.

  Ronald Reagan

  Funny, Rights, Profound

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