Comics just don't retire. They either die young or they go to 100.
It's very rare that an older comedian sort of slips into an old-school clunker. You know, you don't hear too much of that anymore.
The real question is how do you stay funny in your 70s and 80s? And that's a real accomplishment, you know, the longevity.
Comedians a lot of times we're on the road, we're by our self. We come home to New York to our empty one-bedroom apartment, you know, and we need a place to go where you see a bunch of other miserable people sit around and eat a corned beef sandwich.
My life and my career have been a series of happy and not so happy accidents.
Life has to keep going, so you can either be a victim the rest of your life and let it drag you down into drugs and alcohol and depression or you can turn it into something good, fun even, you know, and I tell young people who are going through depression that this might be the most important time of your life. This might be what makes you a great artist later on.
I had a life experience that most of my - that none of my friends had. I remember I became everybody's rabbi. Everybody who needed advice would talk to me, and it became an obvious thing.
My best friend is disabled. There's nothing he hates more than being left out of the jokes, to be treated with kid gloves. That's the insult.
My parents passed away when I was a teenager, so I had to learn different survival techniques, I think, in comedy. You know, using comedy as a pressure release, as a release valve in life really kept my sanity.
You know, sometimes I worry, you know, is comedy and my type of comedy going to get stale? Is it going to be so offensive that it becomes uninteresting or so niche that I don't have an audience anymore? But it keeps getting bigger and bigger and bigger, where roasting now is a movement. These roasts are on in India, in Mexico.
Life is tough, and if we don't laugh, we're going to - our head will explode.
As soon as you start analyzing comedy is when the world starts to fall apart, and we're second guessing it. And we are way too sensitive.
I can't defend someone else's jokes. I can only defend my jokes, and I have to live with my own jokes.
I'm pretty careful about the things I say ahead of time. I'm thoughtful about not going too far. The only thing you can do occasionally is be too much.
I don't think it's unfair to have writers. I think if you're going to do a roast on television, as if you were doing a play or you were reading a script of a movie, you would have the best possible material. And those are the people who score, the people who are willing to listen to the roasting experts and then come out there and own that material.
I want the roast to be like a party where everybody goes and has a good time.
My own personal rule is to tell jokes that I think the person I'm making them about can laugh at, to go home and tell their family, oh, my gosh.
Ninety percent of all prisoners in all jails get out some day. So why not give them a little levity in what's otherwise a very dark life?
Maybe I'm corny, but I'm a big believer in second chances.
Before you can be all deprecating it's helpful to be self-deprecating.
The good thing about a jail show is nobody gets up and walks out.
In Boston where community policing is so important, they don't necessarily have to like each other, but they know each other. The cops in Boston make it their business to get out of their vehicles, to engage the public, to walk around the neighborhoods. They live in the community that they police. And I think these things help.
People are not afraid to be very direct with police. And I think that's part of the problem is that people are angry at the cops and then the cops are stressed out and they, you know, pay it backwards, so to speak.
I've always liked cops, as much as you can like a group of people, you know? Sure, I've been hassled, but I'm a white dude - privileged.
I like to roast things from the inside out. I like to know what's going on.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends
or simply: