I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
The problems that exist in this world can not be solved by the level of thinking that created them.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
Nixon's motto was, if two wrongs don't make a right, try three.