I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves?
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
If you're going through hell, keep going.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
You can observe a lot by just watching.
The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.