To be a successful father... there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.
The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.
Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.
A father carries pictures where his money used to be.
I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'
Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.
You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.
My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.
My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
My daughter got me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. So we know she's sarcastic.
A father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be.
Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn't teach me everything he knows.
Fathers are biological necessities, but social accidents.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?