An autobiography is the story of how a man thinks he lived.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.'
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.
Don't take life too seriously.
Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.
For most men, life is a search for the proper Manila envelope in which to get themselves filed.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique, and not too much imagination.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.
I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
or simply:
