I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.
Behind every successful man is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Be kind to your mother-in-law, but pay for her board at some good hotel.
I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'
I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.
If you have a mother-in-law with only one eye and she has it in the center of her forehead, don't keep her in the living room.
Adam was the luckiest man in the world. He had no mother-in-law.
My wife is the kind of girl who will not go anywhere without her mother, and her mother will go anywhere.
Everything has its drawbacks, as the man said when his mother-in-law died, and they came down upon him for the funeral expenses.
I should, many a good day, have blown my brains out, but for the recollection that it would have given pleasure to my mother-in-law.
My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale.
We never make sport of religion, politics, race or mothers. A mother never gets hit with a custard pie. Mothers-in-law-yes. But mothers-never.
We were having tea with my mother-in-law the other day and out of the blue she said, "I've decided I want to be cremated." I said, "Alright, get your coat."
My mother-in-law was so mean she blinded herself just to get a free dog.