I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.
What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?
My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
You know that just before that first Thanksgiving dinner there was one wise, old Native American woman saying, Don't feed them. If you feed them, they'll never leave.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.'
I love Thanksgiving turkey... It's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.
May your stuffing be tasty May your turkey plump, May your potatoes and gravy Have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious And your pies take the prize, And may your Thanksgiving dinner Stay off your thighs!
It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
It was dramatic to watch my grandmother decapitate a turkey with an ax the day before Thanksgiving. Nowadays the expense of hiring grandmothers for the ax work would probably qualify all turkeys so honored with gourmet status.
An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.
Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving.
Coexistence: what the farmer does with the turkey - until Thanksgiving.
It must be an odd feeling to be thankful to nobody in particular. Christians in public institutions often see this odd thing happening on Thanksgiving Day. Everyone in the institution seems to be thankful 'in general.' It's very strange. It's a little like being married in general.
Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, "Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England".
Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, 'How long has Mom been drinking like this?' My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, 'Here, kitty, kitty.'