Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.
CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, author of 'Cogito ergo sum' to demonstrate the reality of human existence. The dictum might be improved 'Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum' 'I think that I think, therefore I think that I am' as close an approach.
RUMOR, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins of character.
For every man there is something in the vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies have only to find it.
Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.
They say that hens do cackle loudest when there is nothing vital in the eggs they have laid.
actually, adv. Perhaps; possibly.
PANTALOONS, n. A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male. The garment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points of flexion. Supposed to have been invented by a humorist. Called trousers by the enlightened and pants by the unworthy.
Friendless. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.
PILLORY, n. A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction - prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere virtues and blameless lives.
Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness.
Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.
Amnesty, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.
In the algebra of psychology, X stands for a woman's heart.
Money. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it.
A revolution is a violent change of mismanagement.
Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.
Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.
Custard: A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook.
Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.
Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.
If you want to read a perfect book there is only one way: write it.
GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted. By most writers the invention of gunpowder is ascribed to the Chinese, but not upon very convincing evidence. Milton says it was invented by the devil to dispel angels with, and this opinion seems to derive some support from the scarcity of angels.
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