Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.
Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.
Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion - thus: Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man. Minor Premise: One man can dig a post-hole in sixty seconds; Therefore- Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post-hole in one second. This may be called syllogism arithmetical, in which, by combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice blessed.
Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the original earth clinging to the roots.
Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver.
Forgetfulness - a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.
Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
PHOTOGRAPH, n. A picture painted by the sun without instruction in art. It is a little better than the work of an Apache, but not quite so good as that of a Cheyenne.
IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.
Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.
Abnormal, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested.
Men who expect universal peace through invention of destructive weapons of war are no wiser than one who, noting the improvement of agricultural implements, should prophesy an end to the tilling of the soil.
IMPROVIDENCE, n. Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues of to-morrow.
What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.
Optimism - the doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.
Scriptures - The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
TRUTHFUL, adj. Dumb and illiterate.
To bother about the best method of accomplishing an accidental result.
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