He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity. A fool is a natural proselyte, but he must be caught young, for his convictions, unlike those of the wise, harden with age.
MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
Pantheism, n. The doctrine that everything is God, in contradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything.
EXECUTIVE, n. An officer of the Government, whose duty it is to enforce the wishes of the legislative power until such time as the judicial department shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and of no effect.
The only distinction that democracies reward is a high degree of conformity.
Mausoleum, n: the final and funniest folly of the rich.
Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.
RATTLESNAKE, n. Our prostrate brother, "Homo ventrambulans".
There would be far fewer accidents if we could only teach telephone poles to be more careful.
Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it.
ACCOUNTABILITY, n. The mother of caution.
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
EUCHARIST, n. A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi. A dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect as to what it was that they ate. In this controversy some five hundred thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled.
Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.
Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
Habit: A shackle for the free.
Consul - in American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.
Rum, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.
Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.
ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.
Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.
Politeness, n: The most acceptable hypocrisy.
Homicide, /n./ The slaying of one human by another. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he died by one kind or another - the classification is for the advantage of the lawyers.
The partisan strife in which the people of the country are permitted to periodically engage does not tend to the development of ugly traits of character, but merely discloses those that preexist.
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