My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'
Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn't.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends
or simply: