I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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