I just made a killing in the stock market -- I shot my broker.
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"
Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today.
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing.
Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside.
College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends
or simply: